The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
