Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
