Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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