I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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