If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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