Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
