Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
