He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
