I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
