All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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