Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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