I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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