My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
