Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
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Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
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So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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