Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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