We need to rekindle our bromance
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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