wakey wakey hands off snakey
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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