On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
