I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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