I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Randomize
