Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
