he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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