I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
