You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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