Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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