1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
