apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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