grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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