i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
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Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
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He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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