a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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