I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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