I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
