I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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