I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
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