I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
