when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Operation Purity has been aborted
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
