Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
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Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
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You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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