I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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