I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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