i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
