There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
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i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
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If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.