A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
