he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
His nipple licking is glorious
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