I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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