I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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