my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I love you.
Bad choice
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
