You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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