drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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