sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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