We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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