So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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