strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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