so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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